My Experience
We all have our guilty pleasure foods. Until my ex-boyfriend took me to Red Lobster for the first time, I didn’t realize that Cheddar Bay Biscuits were one of mine.
I honestly never felt like there was a lobster-shaped void in my life until I saw my ex’s reaction to my admission that I’d never visited the chain. While I’m decidedly “not a chain girl” (something that all three of my most recent exes have chastized me about at one point or another), I’m certainly not above them. I think back to Friday high school visits to Chili’s, and Friday college visits…to TGI Fridays, to take advantage of my friend’s 15% employee discount. And I can certainly appreciate the extensive culinary offerings of The Cheesecake Factory as much as any other true American. Why not add Red Lobster to the arsenal?
And so it happened that my ex and I turned an otherwise uneventful chain restaurant visit into a full blown Friday date night. In an obnoxious attempt at irony, we literally drove further and dressed fancier than we ever did for any other date, including all birthdays and anniversaries, and splurged on the endless shrimp and a mediocre white wine in an attempt to pair with our seafood.
As I was leaving my apartment to head to my ex’s place, my roommate smirked as I told her what I was going. In an homage to the iconic Beyonce line that inspired this entire segment, she said “Taking you to Red Lobster? He must have been pretty good at something.” I paused for a second then said “Actually…he’s taking me. So make of that what you will.”
Scores
Food & Drinks : 6
Honestly, it’s hard to fuck up bread and pasta, particularly when both are smothered in butter. This explains Red Lobster’s culinary appeal, and it also explains why you can never find either item at a grocery store mid-pandemic.
Entertainment : 4
The potential for people-watching seems strong until you realize most patrons are too busy stuffing themselves with biscuits to hold any interesting converstaions.
Romance level : 4
You may be able to boost it to a 5 if you tack on a dessert to the end.
Buzzworthiness : 5
The biscuits are truly doing the heavy lifting in this category.
Originality : 4
As unfathomable as it seems to give a chain any points at all in this category, there’s an undeniable boldness needed to even suggest this as a date option.
OVERALL SCORE : 23 / 50
If You Go…
Order this : Wait until Fall so you can take advantage of the endless shrimp. You deserve it.
Wear this : A dress that elegantly toes the line between classy and trashy – I strongly recommend something from the Bebe collection. If you’re going for more utility, I would suggest this.
Say this : “Which wine pairs best with the crispy sriracha honey shrimp?” Bonus points if you maintain an entirely straight face.
Expect this : To be entirely too bloated to even consider hooking up after you leave.
